Your Mother and I

I always sit with Cayanne, and Cerise, before they go to bed at night and I say to them, "What you got?". What I am asking them is if there is anything they need to talk about that happened that day, or that they have been thinking about. From Cerise I mostly get things like "Let's talk about rainbows." or "Why does Cinderella wear a blue dress and not a pink one?". Cayanne on the other hand is older and will often pose tough questions or express concerns about our situation. Last night she asked me "If Christian (mom's boyfriend) wanted a thousand dollars for Mom would you give it to him so she'd come back?" I had to think for a second and said "First of all you can't buy or sell a person and it would have to be Mom's decision to come back if she wanted." She then asked if Mom could live with us again and I said "I don't know", I was thinking she would have to leave her boyfriend and never be in contact with him again and she wouldn't want to do that. At this point I am feeling like this conversation is veering toward subject matter that Cayanne doesn't need to broach.

So she asks "why?",

I said "Why what?",

"Why don't you know?"

"I'm still mad at Mom"

"You don't love her do you?

"I do, because together we created you and your sister"

"Well what about the 1000$"

"It's not going to happen but if your Mom asked to come home I would let her". I hate lying b/c it would be almost impossible to repair our lives but I guess I feel she needs to hear that I love her. What's the alternative ... If I say I don't love her then Cayanne thinks something is wrong with her, that I don't love part of her because she is half her mother. All children of all ages fantasize that their parents will get together again. But the experts say be clear with the children about the finality of the divorce, and discourage their attempts to get you back together.

I thought long and hard about this brief conversation with Cayanne and this morning asked if I could talk to her for a minute. I sat her down and told her to focus on my eyes and listen and I said "I was thinking about what you asked last night", "Do you remember what you asked?"

She said "about the money to get Mom back?"

"Yes, well I guess I want to give you an answer to the real question, is there the chance your mother and I will get back together and the answer is no, I don't want to do that. I am happy with our lives and I think it is better that the three of us (Cayanne, me and Cerise) try to do what we are doing. I love your Mom but I am angry at her." I then related to her something that I felt she could understand, I asked if she remembered how she felt when Ryan (a boy she fancied in pre-school) kissed Abagail. She said "icky" and I said "well.." and she said "you feel like that because Mommy kisses Christian" and I said "Yes".

She hugged me and ran off to play with her Barbies before we had to leave for school.

It got me thinking and for a long time I only wanted my wife to come back, I wanted our family back and to raise our children together. Recently I have thought about this less and less, I no longer wake up and wish she was here. I have discovered that there is a world out there full of possibilities I need to explore instead of falling back on something just because it would be easier. The girls will survive with their psyche in tact because I take care of myself and I take care of them. It may haunt them at times but they are young and will see as they get older that their lives are everything they can be.

I know experts say that you should do anything to preserve a two parent home but ... If you can't, the best you can do is be strong and not bad mouth the other parent. I tell them that their mother loves them and she loves me, we just couldn't live together. I preserve the illusion that my wife and I can be friends.

I am sure in my gut that honesty will do her more good then a pile of lies. I will temper the truth with what I feel is age appropriate information but I can't allow her to believe that something will happen that won't. Further I feel that lying, even a little bit, makes trust break down in any relationship. I want my relationship with the girls to be based on trust and I tell them this repeatedly, I try to teach them to expect it from others and help them to recognize when others do lie. Those who do lie to them will lose their trust and more then anything else I want to avoid that. I truly believe that if I lie, or if anyone does, they will know, it is in your eyes and your body language: even at 3 years old Cerise is aware that most of what you say is non-verbal.