You Can't Always Get What You Want

Meg Meeker writes that "there are two types of women in the world: princesses and pioneer women. Princesses believe they deserve a better life and expect others to serve them. Pioneer women expect that any improvement in their lives will come through hard work; they are in charge of their happiness." One type, the princess, is what I tend to treat my daughters as, but the other is what they need to be if they are to be happy as adults.

Life has taught most of us that you can't expect someone to solve your problems and that all your needs and desires won't be fulfilled. As a father I want more then anything to take care of all their problems but I can't allow myself to do this, I need to teach them that sometimes, somethings need to be taken care of by them for themselves so they don't fall into the victim mentality that is so prevalent in our culture. I love them completely, and they know this, but they must also realize they are not the center of the universe; love should be peppered by the notion that love needs to be appreciated and you should be humble and thankful for it. They are not entitled to love, many children grow up in loveless homes, and their lives will never be perfect, no ones is.

So I have had to learn to not indulge them and sometimes say "no, I can't do what you want now, I have work of my own to do" or "you can do that yourself". This teaches them that they must take some responsibility, even at this young age, for their well being. If I always do everything for them they will not take ownership of their lives and will fall, I fear, into the victim mentality where everything bad or wrong is someone else's fault and that someone else should fix any problems they have. This neediness can only be stopped by teaching them to act confidently, to be pragmatic, and dig deep in themselves to fix what is wrong in their lives; they must know that ultimately they are the only ones who will determine their fate.

The best way to get to there from here is to teach them pragmatism, give them the knowledge and tools they need to be a problem solver; to be able to step back, separate, see clearly, and develop a course of action. This is contrary to how women are wired on some level from my experience, I've come to understand that my x-wife probably didn't want me to help her solve her problems, she just wanted me to listen to her and then magically make them better. My problem was I wanted her to solve them for herself and I did what I thought a husband should do, be pragmatic, but by doing this she saw me as controlling, I didn't "get it"; I was, in her eyes, uncaring and heartless because I said "well there is a problem, let's fix it, this is what you need to do". She was so frustrated by my program driven, goal oriented, task - solving mindset that she ran from me. She was never taught to be a problem solver and she didn't want me to give her ways to solve her problems herself, she just wanted them fixed. I don't want our daughters to fall into this trap.

What will help Cayanne and Cerise to grow up and be the strong, independent women I know they can be is exactly this program-goal-action mindset. My x-wife says the girls live under 'my reign', I have created a world of discipline that, as a means to an end, is what will teach them the skills they need to grow into happy adults; confident and self sufficient. They will seek out healthy relationships, not end up in a relationship because they are co-dependent and can't function on their own. My x-wife believes because I expect them to clean their rooms, set the table for dinner, stick to a schedule, be on time, and take care of themselves I am making them live under some totaletarian regiem. Maybe it is on some level because their freedom is derived from the security that things will be the same for them day in and day out, that their lives are consistent; they are free to live their lives as children because I have created a structured world for them, a world where they are learning to solve problems and think for themselves, where they are learning that grit and self determination will get them further then expecting someone to do everything for them. This is the harsh reality of a world they are rapidly approaching.

They do not have to worry about anything but a few tasks and to act right in their day to day interactions within the family and with others in school and at the stores where we shop. When a problem does arise they are learning that sometimes they can solve the problem themselves, when they fight over a doll or can't find a toy, but also that I will be there to guide them and help them solve the larger problems like not getting along with a classmate. The largest problem in their lives I am also letting them deal with on their own, the termination of their parents marriage, I am allowing them to grieve and encouraging the idea we will all survive and be the better for it. It is the one problem I can't help them find a solution for.

Beyond this I know it will take tenacious engagement to teach them the idea of pragmatism. It is something I used in my last job everyday but I didn't bring home. Having the last year off I have learned to employ it at home and the girls are thriving because of it. I must hold the course and they will one day be happy, healthy adults who can and will, and even want to, be able to stand up for themselves and not be dependent on anyone for anything.