Meg Meeker writes that "there are two types of women in the world: princesses and pioneer women. Princesses believe they deserve a better life and expect others to serve them. Pioneer women expect that any improvement in their lives will come through hard work; they are in charge of their happiness." One type, the princess, is what I tend to treat my daughters as, but the other is what they need to be if they are to be happy as adults.
Life has taught most of us that you can't expect someone to solve your problems and that all your needs and desires won't be fulfilled. As a father I want more then anything to take care of all their problems but I can't allow myself to do this, I need to teach them that sometimes, somethings need to be taken care of by them for themselves so they don't fall into the victim mentality that is so prevalent in our culture. I love them completely, and they know this, but they must also realize they are not the center of the universe; love should be peppered by the notion that love needs to be appreciated and you should be humble and thankful for it. They are not entitled to love, many children grow up in loveless homes, and their lives will never be perfect, no ones is.
So I have had to learn to not indulge them and sometimes say "no, I can't do what you want now, I have work of my own to do" or "you can do that yourself". This teaches them that they must take some responsibility, even at this young age, for their well being. If I always do everything for them they will not take ownership of their lives and will fall, I fear, into the victim mentality where everything bad or wrong is someone else's fault and that someone else should fix any problems they have. This neediness can only be stopped by teaching them to act confidently, to be pragmatic, and dig deep in themselves to fix what is wrong in their lives; they must know that ultimately they are the only ones who will determine their fate.
The best way to get to there from here is to teach them pragmatism, give them the knowledge and tools they need to be a problem solver; to be able to step back, separate, see clearly, and develop a course of action. This is contrary to how women are wired on some level from my experience, I've come to understand that my x-wife probably didn't want me to help her solve her problems, she just wanted me to listen to her and then magically make them better. My problem was I wanted her to solve them for herself and I did what I thought a husband should do, be pragmatic, but by doing this she saw me as controlling, I didn't "get it"; I was, in her eyes, uncaring and heartless because I said "well there is a problem, let's fix it, this is what you need to do". She was so frustrated by my program driven, goal oriented, task - solving mindset that she ran from me. She was never taught to be a problem solver and she didn't want me to give her ways to solve her problems herself, she just wanted them fixed. I don't want our daughters to fall into this trap.
What will help Cayanne and Cerise to grow up and be the strong, independent women I know they can be is exactly this program-goal-action mindset. My x-wife says the girls live under 'my reign', I have created a world of discipline that, as a means to an end, is what will teach them the skills they need to grow into happy adults; confident and self sufficient. They will seek out healthy relationships, not end up in a relationship because they are co-dependent and can't function on their own. My x-wife believes because I expect them to clean their rooms, set the table for dinner, stick to a schedule, be on time, and take care of themselves I am making them live under some totaletarian regiem. Maybe it is on some level because their freedom is derived from the security that things will be the same for them day in and day out, that their lives are consistent; they are free to live their lives as children because I have created a structured world for them, a world where they are learning to solve problems and think for themselves, where they are learning that grit and self determination will get them further then expecting someone to do everything for them. This is the harsh reality of a world they are rapidly approaching.
They do not have to worry about anything but a few tasks and to act right in their day to day interactions within the family and with others in school and at the stores where we shop. When a problem does arise they are learning that sometimes they can solve the problem themselves, when they fight over a doll or can't find a toy, but also that I will be there to guide them and help them solve the larger problems like not getting along with a classmate. The largest problem in their lives I am also letting them deal with on their own, the termination of their parents marriage, I am allowing them to grieve and encouraging the idea we will all survive and be the better for it. It is the one problem I can't help them find a solution for.
Beyond this I know it will take tenacious engagement to teach them the idea of pragmatism. It is something I used in my last job everyday but I didn't bring home. Having the last year off I have learned to employ it at home and the girls are thriving because of it. I must hold the course and they will one day be happy, healthy adults who can and will, and even want to, be able to stand up for themselves and not be dependent on anyone for anything.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Friday, September 11, 2009
Your Mother and I
I always sit with Cayanne, and Cerise, before they go to bed at night and I say to them, "What you got?". What I am asking them is if there is anything they need to talk about that happened that day, or that they have been thinking about. From Cerise I mostly get things like "Let's talk about rainbows." or "Why does Cinderella wear a blue dress and not a pink one?". Cayanne on the other hand is older and will often pose tough questions or express concerns about our situation. Last night she asked me "If Christian (mom's boyfriend) wanted a thousand dollars for Mom would you give it to him so she'd come back?" I had to think for a second and said "First of all you can't buy or sell a person and it would have to be Mom's decision to come back if she wanted." She then asked if Mom could live with us again and I said "I don't know", I was thinking she would have to leave her boyfriend and never be in contact with him again and she wouldn't want to do that. At this point I am feeling like this conversation is veering toward subject matter that Cayanne doesn't need to broach.
So she asks "why?",
I said "Why what?",
"Why don't you know?"
"I'm still mad at Mom"
"You don't love her do you?
"I do, because together we created you and your sister"
"Well what about the 1000$"
"It's not going to happen but if your Mom asked to come home I would let her". I hate lying b/c it would be almost impossible to repair our lives but I guess I feel she needs to hear that I love her. What's the alternative ... If I say I don't love her then Cayanne thinks something is wrong with her, that I don't love part of her because she is half her mother. All children of all ages fantasize that their parents will get together again. But the experts say be clear with the children about the finality of the divorce, and discourage their attempts to get you back together.
I thought long and hard about this brief conversation with Cayanne and this morning asked if I could talk to her for a minute. I sat her down and told her to focus on my eyes and listen and I said "I was thinking about what you asked last night", "Do you remember what you asked?"
She said "about the money to get Mom back?"
"Yes, well I guess I want to give you an answer to the real question, is there the chance your mother and I will get back together and the answer is no, I don't want to do that. I am happy with our lives and I think it is better that the three of us (Cayanne, me and Cerise) try to do what we are doing. I love your Mom but I am angry at her." I then related to her something that I felt she could understand, I asked if she remembered how she felt when Ryan (a boy she fancied in pre-school) kissed Abagail. She said "icky" and I said "well.." and she said "you feel like that because Mommy kisses Christian" and I said "Yes".
She hugged me and ran off to play with her Barbies before we had to leave for school.
It got me thinking and for a long time I only wanted my wife to come back, I wanted our family back and to raise our children together. Recently I have thought about this less and less, I no longer wake up and wish she was here. I have discovered that there is a world out there full of possibilities I need to explore instead of falling back on something just because it would be easier. The girls will survive with their psyche in tact because I take care of myself and I take care of them. It may haunt them at times but they are young and will see as they get older that their lives are everything they can be.
I know experts say that you should do anything to preserve a two parent home but ... If you can't, the best you can do is be strong and not bad mouth the other parent. I tell them that their mother loves them and she loves me, we just couldn't live together. I preserve the illusion that my wife and I can be friends.
I am sure in my gut that honesty will do her more good then a pile of lies. I will temper the truth with what I feel is age appropriate information but I can't allow her to believe that something will happen that won't. Further I feel that lying, even a little bit, makes trust break down in any relationship. I want my relationship with the girls to be based on trust and I tell them this repeatedly, I try to teach them to expect it from others and help them to recognize when others do lie. Those who do lie to them will lose their trust and more then anything else I want to avoid that. I truly believe that if I lie, or if anyone does, they will know, it is in your eyes and your body language: even at 3 years old Cerise is aware that most of what you say is non-verbal.
So she asks "why?",
I said "Why what?",
"Why don't you know?"
"I'm still mad at Mom"
"You don't love her do you?
"I do, because together we created you and your sister"
"Well what about the 1000$"
"It's not going to happen but if your Mom asked to come home I would let her". I hate lying b/c it would be almost impossible to repair our lives but I guess I feel she needs to hear that I love her. What's the alternative ... If I say I don't love her then Cayanne thinks something is wrong with her, that I don't love part of her because she is half her mother. All children of all ages fantasize that their parents will get together again. But the experts say be clear with the children about the finality of the divorce, and discourage their attempts to get you back together.
I thought long and hard about this brief conversation with Cayanne and this morning asked if I could talk to her for a minute. I sat her down and told her to focus on my eyes and listen and I said "I was thinking about what you asked last night", "Do you remember what you asked?"
She said "about the money to get Mom back?"
"Yes, well I guess I want to give you an answer to the real question, is there the chance your mother and I will get back together and the answer is no, I don't want to do that. I am happy with our lives and I think it is better that the three of us (Cayanne, me and Cerise) try to do what we are doing. I love your Mom but I am angry at her." I then related to her something that I felt she could understand, I asked if she remembered how she felt when Ryan (a boy she fancied in pre-school) kissed Abagail. She said "icky" and I said "well.." and she said "you feel like that because Mommy kisses Christian" and I said "Yes".
She hugged me and ran off to play with her Barbies before we had to leave for school.
It got me thinking and for a long time I only wanted my wife to come back, I wanted our family back and to raise our children together. Recently I have thought about this less and less, I no longer wake up and wish she was here. I have discovered that there is a world out there full of possibilities I need to explore instead of falling back on something just because it would be easier. The girls will survive with their psyche in tact because I take care of myself and I take care of them. It may haunt them at times but they are young and will see as they get older that their lives are everything they can be.
I know experts say that you should do anything to preserve a two parent home but ... If you can't, the best you can do is be strong and not bad mouth the other parent. I tell them that their mother loves them and she loves me, we just couldn't live together. I preserve the illusion that my wife and I can be friends.
I am sure in my gut that honesty will do her more good then a pile of lies. I will temper the truth with what I feel is age appropriate information but I can't allow her to believe that something will happen that won't. Further I feel that lying, even a little bit, makes trust break down in any relationship. I want my relationship with the girls to be based on trust and I tell them this repeatedly, I try to teach them to expect it from others and help them to recognize when others do lie. Those who do lie to them will lose their trust and more then anything else I want to avoid that. I truly believe that if I lie, or if anyone does, they will know, it is in your eyes and your body language: even at 3 years old Cerise is aware that most of what you say is non-verbal.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Tattoo You
There are many reasons why people get tattoos but I believe it ultimately boils down to a need to change yourself, maybe an internal change you are unable to make, or an external one because you are unhappy with yourself. 50 years ago if you were a biker, criminal or a sailor you got a tattoo, now it has become prevalent in Western culture. Many young girls get tattoos, mine won't be. I will set about instilling in them the idea that their body is a temple, to be respected and not defiled by tattoos or piercings. A study of "at-risk" (as defined by school absenteeism and truancy) adolescent girls showed a positive correlation between body-modification and negative feelings towards the body and self-esteem. (^ Carroll L, Anderson R (2002), "Body piercing, tattooing, self-esteem, and body investment in adolescent girls", Adolescence 37 (147): 627–37, PMID 12458698 (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/12458698)). If I can keep them from these negative feelings then I should be one up on popular culture. If they decide to do it have I failed in this respect, no, still I will feel there is something not right with there inner being if they do. It is the manifestation of a dark heart to get a tattoo. The bible tells us “You shall not make gashes in your flesh for the dead, or incise any marks on yourselves: I am the Lord” (Leviticus 19:28); it is an affront to God to mark your body in such a fashion. If God wanted us to have tattoos we would have been born with them. "Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you; before you were born, I separated you for myself." (Jeremiah 1:5) Also in 1 Corinthians 6 we are told "The fact is, you don't belong to yourselves; for you were bought at a price. So use your bodies to glorify God." and a tattoo does not do this.
You may be saying to yourself but Kevin you don't go to church why are you quoting scripture? To this I say just b/c I choose not participate in an organized religion it doesn't mean I am not well founded in the laws of God or that I am not spiritual. I believe that the word of God, though through the pen of man has to be understood. There are reasons these verses are in the Bible
How to stop them? I can't when they leave my house, but what I can do is instill in them that it is not in their best interest to get a tattoo. Some questions I will ask: Do you want to talk about this tattoo to random people for the next 70 years?, You want it now but what about when you are 80? Why do you want to do this, b/c your friends are or is there some true deep and meaningful purpose?
I will tell them I don't like tattoos and ask the above questions. Ultimately though my best weapon is to teach them modesty and that there bodies are precious, even sacred and things like tattoos and piercing should not be entered into lightly. They are also a reflection of their self worth and if their self worth is high they will probably never even entertain the idea. I never have, not b/c of the bible, not b/c I was afraid of getting AIDs, only because I saw no need to destroy the perfection of my body as it existed when I was born.
Amor Fati
You may be saying to yourself but Kevin you don't go to church why are you quoting scripture? To this I say just b/c I choose not participate in an organized religion it doesn't mean I am not well founded in the laws of God or that I am not spiritual. I believe that the word of God, though through the pen of man has to be understood. There are reasons these verses are in the Bible
How to stop them? I can't when they leave my house, but what I can do is instill in them that it is not in their best interest to get a tattoo. Some questions I will ask: Do you want to talk about this tattoo to random people for the next 70 years?, You want it now but what about when you are 80? Why do you want to do this, b/c your friends are or is there some true deep and meaningful purpose?
I will tell them I don't like tattoos and ask the above questions. Ultimately though my best weapon is to teach them modesty and that there bodies are precious, even sacred and things like tattoos and piercing should not be entered into lightly. They are also a reflection of their self worth and if their self worth is high they will probably never even entertain the idea. I never have, not b/c of the bible, not b/c I was afraid of getting AIDs, only because I saw no need to destroy the perfection of my body as it existed when I was born.
Amor Fati
Thursday, September 3, 2009
The Girls Are Mine
Obviously a reference to the Michael Jackson song. Why did I choose this as the title you may ask. I do not own my children, you can't own another person. Well it is because of the notion that the first man a girl ever loves is her father. I am the most important man in their lives and I always will be. They need to know that I don't take that responsibility lightly. Strength, courage, intelligence, empathy, assertiveness, and self-confidence are just some of the things they need from me. Only I can provide the support and guidance they need to stand strong against the vile culture that assaults them on all sides; on TV, in magazines, even walking through the mall, only I can bring them to a healthier place. That is why I say they are mine, I am willing to do whatever I have to to protect them from the world around them.
A little extreme you may say, well just think about it; daughters beam when they speak of there fathers if there father is the man he should be for them. My daughters watch each move I make, they laugh when I laugh, they cry when I cry, they light-up when I encourage them and frown when I reprimand them.
Some facts
* Toddlers securely attached to fathers are better at solving problems (M. Easterbrooks and Wendy A Goldberg in "Toddler Development in the Family: Impact of Father Involvement and Parenting Characteristics")
* With dads present at home kids manage school stress better. (Rebekah Levin Coley "Children's Socialization Experiences and Functioning in Single Mother Households")
* Girls whose fathers provide warmth and control achieve higher academic success. (Rebekah Levin Coley "Children's Socialization Experiences and Functioning in Single Mother Households")
* Girls who are close to there fathers exhibit less anxiety and withdraw behaviors. (A Morcoen and K Verschuren "Representation of self and socioemotional competence in kindergartners: differential and combined effects of attachment to mothers and fathers")
* Girls with doting fathers are more assertive (Journal of American Medical association 10, pgs 823-32)
* Daughters who perceive that their fathers care allot about them, who feel connected to their fathers, have significantly fewer suicide attempts and fewer instances of body dissatisfaction, depression, low self-esteem, substance abuse, and unhealthy weight. (American Journal of Preventive Medicine 1 pg 59-66)
* Girls with involved fathers are twice as likely to stay in school (US Department of Health and Human Services, National Center for Health Statistics, Survey on Child Health 1993)
* A daughters self-esteem is best predicted by her father's physical affection. (Greg J Duncan, Martha Hill, and W. Jean Yeung "Fathers' Activities and Children's Attainments" Father Facts on www.fatherhood.org)
* Girls with fathers who are involved in their lives have higher quantitative and verbal skills and higher intellectual functioning. (Harris Goldstein "Fathers' absence and cognitive developments of 12-17 year-olds")
* Girls whose parents divorce or separate before they turn 21 tend to have shorter life spans by 4 years. (Joseph E schwartz "Sociodemographic and psychological factors in childhood as predictors of adult mortality" American Journal of Public Health 85)
* Girls with good fathers are less likely to flaunt themselves to seek male attention. (Claudette Wassil-Grimm, Where's Daddy? How Divorced, Single and Widowed Mothers Can Provide What's Missing When Dad's Missing)
* Girls with involved fathers wait longer to initiate sex and have lower rates of teen pregnancy.(Lee Smith "The new welfare of illegitimacy" Fortune April 1994 pg 81-94)
* 76% of teen girls said that fathers influenced their decisions on whether to become sexually active.(Mark Clemens, Parade, Feb. 1997; E M Hetherington and B Martin "Family Interactions")
* Kids do better academically if their fathers establish rules and exhibit affection.(C D Ryff and M M Seltzer, The Parental Experience in Midlife)
So as the research overwhelmingly suggests, a father involved in the day to day upbringing of his daughter will raise a girl who does better in school, is emotionally better adjusted and less likely to engage in pre-marital sex and experience the horrors of alcohol and drug abuse. This is why I have taken the stand I have. Without me their chances are greatly reduced of becoming happy, healthy, adults.
This is not to discount the influence of a mother on her child, but it is the father that will ultimately make or break who she becomes. That is why I sing to the valleys and mountains 'the girls is mine' and let the world know if you want to get to her you have to go through me.
Amor Fati
A little extreme you may say, well just think about it; daughters beam when they speak of there fathers if there father is the man he should be for them. My daughters watch each move I make, they laugh when I laugh, they cry when I cry, they light-up when I encourage them and frown when I reprimand them.
Some facts
* Toddlers securely attached to fathers are better at solving problems (M. Easterbrooks and Wendy A Goldberg in "Toddler Development in the Family: Impact of Father Involvement and Parenting Characteristics")
* With dads present at home kids manage school stress better. (Rebekah Levin Coley "Children's Socialization Experiences and Functioning in Single Mother Households")
* Girls whose fathers provide warmth and control achieve higher academic success. (Rebekah Levin Coley "Children's Socialization Experiences and Functioning in Single Mother Households")
* Girls who are close to there fathers exhibit less anxiety and withdraw behaviors. (A Morcoen and K Verschuren "Representation of self and socioemotional competence in kindergartners: differential and combined effects of attachment to mothers and fathers")
* Girls with doting fathers are more assertive (Journal of American Medical association 10, pgs 823-32)
* Daughters who perceive that their fathers care allot about them, who feel connected to their fathers, have significantly fewer suicide attempts and fewer instances of body dissatisfaction, depression, low self-esteem, substance abuse, and unhealthy weight. (American Journal of Preventive Medicine 1 pg 59-66)
* Girls with involved fathers are twice as likely to stay in school (US Department of Health and Human Services, National Center for Health Statistics, Survey on Child Health 1993)
* A daughters self-esteem is best predicted by her father's physical affection. (Greg J Duncan, Martha Hill, and W. Jean Yeung "Fathers' Activities and Children's Attainments" Father Facts on www.fatherhood.org)
* Girls with fathers who are involved in their lives have higher quantitative and verbal skills and higher intellectual functioning. (Harris Goldstein "Fathers' absence and cognitive developments of 12-17 year-olds")
* Girls whose parents divorce or separate before they turn 21 tend to have shorter life spans by 4 years. (Joseph E schwartz "Sociodemographic and psychological factors in childhood as predictors of adult mortality" American Journal of Public Health 85)
* Girls with good fathers are less likely to flaunt themselves to seek male attention. (Claudette Wassil-Grimm, Where's Daddy? How Divorced, Single and Widowed Mothers Can Provide What's Missing When Dad's Missing)
* Girls with involved fathers wait longer to initiate sex and have lower rates of teen pregnancy.(Lee Smith "The new welfare of illegitimacy" Fortune April 1994 pg 81-94)
* 76% of teen girls said that fathers influenced their decisions on whether to become sexually active.(Mark Clemens, Parade, Feb. 1997; E M Hetherington and B Martin "Family Interactions")
* Kids do better academically if their fathers establish rules and exhibit affection.(C D Ryff and M M Seltzer, The Parental Experience in Midlife)
So as the research overwhelmingly suggests, a father involved in the day to day upbringing of his daughter will raise a girl who does better in school, is emotionally better adjusted and less likely to engage in pre-marital sex and experience the horrors of alcohol and drug abuse. This is why I have taken the stand I have. Without me their chances are greatly reduced of becoming happy, healthy, adults.
This is not to discount the influence of a mother on her child, but it is the father that will ultimately make or break who she becomes. That is why I sing to the valleys and mountains 'the girls is mine' and let the world know if you want to get to her you have to go through me.
Amor Fati
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
On Humility
I guess I've always been way left of politically correct and when it comes to raising my daughters, still I stand firm in my beliefs, even as they contradict the conventional wisdom. Many may see humility as a weakness and we want our children to grow up strong, so why do I see it as so important, for several reasons.
It stems from the idea that fault we find in others is what we see as fault in our own being. With humility I think a child, especially a daughter, can gain the proper perspective on themselves, they can see themselves for who they really are. The tricky part becomes balancing her need to feel special and unique in a fathers eyes and knowing that every person has equal worth.
I've found the best way to teach humility is to live it, as with anything you want your child to embrace, humility must be modeled. If you love music or reading, the best way to instill that love in your child is by doing it, humility is no different.
This has been one of the hardest things as a man I have had to learn to do but what alternative do I have, to deceive my self and in turn them? Life is bigger then just me and just thinking about them has been a jumping off point for me, but it must also encompass the whole of humanity; you must strive for success in life but also help those around you.
Making understanding of who you are, where you are going, and where you come from paramount will only help my girls to fulfill their potential but it must be accurate. If they see themselves honestly they will be grounded in the real world and will find their true significance. They will move from self-centeredness and the sin of pride. Henry Fairlie once wrote "Pride excites us to take too much pleasure in ourselves, does not encourage us to take pleasure in our humanity, and what is commonly shared by all of us as social beings." I totally embrace this notion and will try my hardest to teach it to my daughters; that humility brings with it deep joy and satisfaction b/c it keeps us from being self-absorbed. What greater gift can I give them beyond true happiness for their lives?
Amor Fati
It stems from the idea that fault we find in others is what we see as fault in our own being. With humility I think a child, especially a daughter, can gain the proper perspective on themselves, they can see themselves for who they really are. The tricky part becomes balancing her need to feel special and unique in a fathers eyes and knowing that every person has equal worth.
I've found the best way to teach humility is to live it, as with anything you want your child to embrace, humility must be modeled. If you love music or reading, the best way to instill that love in your child is by doing it, humility is no different.
This has been one of the hardest things as a man I have had to learn to do but what alternative do I have, to deceive my self and in turn them? Life is bigger then just me and just thinking about them has been a jumping off point for me, but it must also encompass the whole of humanity; you must strive for success in life but also help those around you.
Making understanding of who you are, where you are going, and where you come from paramount will only help my girls to fulfill their potential but it must be accurate. If they see themselves honestly they will be grounded in the real world and will find their true significance. They will move from self-centeredness and the sin of pride. Henry Fairlie once wrote "Pride excites us to take too much pleasure in ourselves, does not encourage us to take pleasure in our humanity, and what is commonly shared by all of us as social beings." I totally embrace this notion and will try my hardest to teach it to my daughters; that humility brings with it deep joy and satisfaction b/c it keeps us from being self-absorbed. What greater gift can I give them beyond true happiness for their lives?
Amor Fati
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